*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
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time for some seasonal decor
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Got ya covered
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.