[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Breaking news:
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
termite twitter scares me
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.