Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
You Might Also Like
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Saturday
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity