So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.