him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I need this for my side hustle.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.