That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
S/o to @funTweeters .
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.