It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Okey dokey.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
this could fix me
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”