It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.