[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.