Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.