My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.