My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady