You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.