[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
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I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
A choir of Spring onions
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.