I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh