*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
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College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.