Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
There is no “we” in pizza
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Twitter is an abusement park.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.