“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
and this one
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper