[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
stop
She: I like Cats
He:
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees