There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My dad.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone