If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me too, bag. Me too….
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”