Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”