My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
You Might Also Like
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Beauty and the Beast
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”