Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
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A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
scared to check what name she chose
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.