5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.