Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I WON A HAM TODAY
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.