I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…