(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this πππππ
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Sorry you didnβt win Best Picture, βMad Max: Fury Road,β but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for βBest Documentary.β
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Odds I accidentally turn off a roomβs lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is βI’m not going to dust for at least a month.β
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
βSay ur a bad girlβ
Iβm a bad girl
βoooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls doβ¦β
ooh iβm gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe youβll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.