[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
This was my dad’s browser history.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.