Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
He just like my cat fr
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.