[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
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Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.