It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Dune (2021)
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
😂😂😂
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown