Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
absolute chaos
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her