Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.