I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I can fix him.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.