When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I’m giving up ice.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*