They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.