Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Cha-ching is my safe word
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.