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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.