I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Well well well…
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.