Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
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science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”