Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
back to work
Same pineapple, same
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?