To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec