*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
#CatsOnTwitter
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka