Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
You Might Also Like
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
incredible
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT