Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what