Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
He just like my cat fr
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Nose
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.