You Might Also Like
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now