You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Natural selection at its finest
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.