If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
*weighs self after shaving
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.